Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
