I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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