Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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