I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
