does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
