I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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