Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
