Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
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