I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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