The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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