im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
