I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
