At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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