My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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