my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
