The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
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I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
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I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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