I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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