So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
