When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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