we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
