fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
