he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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