I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Found the puke drawer
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
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