I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
