He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
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please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
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Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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