omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
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Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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