I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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