Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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