Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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