I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
is it fun? or sober?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
