if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
