Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
