It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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