I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
