I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am spending my child support on dildos
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
