youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
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It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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