You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
