so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
