i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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