You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
