i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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