There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
