I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
