just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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