i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
