At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
