my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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