saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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