Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
