I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
