I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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