sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
