I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
